Recap of mol ownage:
This email is painfully long, I know, but please read it....it's important.
Some of you may already know, but for those of you who don't I have seperated with my wife and we are going forward with a divorce. First things first...I want to make it very clear that no side choosing needs to happen here. In life things happen that we just can't control. We thought we would be together forever and well, it looks like forever lasts about 11-12 years for us. So be it.
I have been in a very bad way for the past year and a half. Truth be told I have been in a very bad way for 12 years. Being alone sitting in an attic room with only 100 degree heat to keep me company these past few months I thought about a lot of things. For a little while I was struck with the thought that the whole 12 years was a waste of my life...but then I look at the pictures of my children and realize that this couldn't be any further from the truth. It's just another chapter....a chapter that is finished.
I have always looked back at my younger years with a lot of guilt. Whem my wife and I first got together I think it was more of a friendship thing than anything else. When she became pregnant with our first child and I found myself 18-19 years old staring down the idea of being a dad and being a partner to this wonderful woman without ever having a chance to make it on my own I was extremely scared. I never had the chance to experience life on my own terms. I felt boxed in, like I had no control over my life. I started doing things like drinking and I eventually went to prison for year for indecent exposure which is a felony in Oklahoma (That's flashing, if you didn't already know...remember watching 'Night Court' and the guy would open his overcoat....yah...exactly...stupid, I know). I sought help and went through several programs and passed, The doctors told me that it was about control and I never understood that until recently. I see now when I look back at my life that !
I never had control of anything. I did was I was told or what I thought I had to do (supposed to do) and never even thought about myself. Supposedly that was what the flashing was all about. The doctors said that was the one thing I could control whether I liked it or not and I didn't really understand it at that time. Most people have laughed when I have told them, but it's really not a laughing matter. For the longest time I thought I was a monster. Now I know I am not. Since I was released from prison and started to move on with my life I never had any urge to do that again. I focused on raising my kids and being the best husband I could be. I started painting and drawing. Things started moving in place for me.
But, there was still something missing. I couldn't quite find out exactly what, but it was everpresent. I looked for it everywhere I could, but always came up empty. So, I just stayed very busy....always doing something. I devoted a lot of time to MW and that made me happy.
I worked and worked until I could finally work at home and be with my kids fulltime. It was absolute and pure joy for the first time in my life. I woke up and fed my son breakfast. I took him to school. Came back to the house and maybe caught a little nap or I just went to wake up the girls. Either way they were awake eventually. Then I took them down and had breakfast. Then it was upstairs to watch Noggin (gotta love Oobi and Dora). I laid on the couch watching some toons with them for a bit and then grabbed the old laptop and worked on Wicks while their eyes were on the TV. Noontime came and it was lunchtime....back downstairs for lunch and some cookies or whatever treats I could fill them up with. Then we would go back upstairs. If the weather was nice then we would go outside while I stressed out that they would fall and hit their little heads on the concrete. (Seriously, my pulse probably hits about 100 when we are at the park....I am so overprotective). Anyway, the res!
t of the story is history....dinner, more fun and maybe spongebob reruns before bedtime.
Then things between my wife and I started to go bad probably around a year or so ago. At least, from my side. It wasn't long that I started burying myself in bottle after bottle of Jack Daniels and Glenlivet Scotch. I turned to drugs, too. Anything to escape what was happening around me. Here I was again with no control and I was scared out of my mind. I knew I should have left so many times but I didnt because I knew I would never get to see my kids again, at least, not the way I was used to. I would do anything for them....even stay in a very unhealthy relatshionship.
It wasnt long before I hit rock bottom. I didn't care about mortgage payments, bills, and just about anything else except for my children (which in retrospect I know that this was hurting my children as well and I will never forgive myself for that). I consumed drugs and alcohol like candy. Make no mistake, though, I was not the only one consuming these things. I was not the only one in the household screwing up.
I am not writing you all to tell you the whole sorted story of what has went on in the past year. I only want to tell you WHY I haven't been....and why I have neglected all of you for so long. I use to be here everyday working my butt off to make sure things always run smoothly. I was always here to post "Welcome homes" in the intro forum. I was always here, unlike many forum owners who basically never post or get involved with their communities.
I want to come back to you all. And I want to come back as ME. I wanted you to know my past, because while I am ashamed of what I have done in my past if it wasn't for that, prison, and my marriage I would NOT be the man I am today. I am good father. Maybe one day I will have another wife. GEBS is definteily the first in line, folks, because I do love her. We have been talking for a loong time so all of you who think this has happened overnight, over a few weeks, or even a few months....your wrong. Trust me. I was always loyal to my wife and I never cheated on her as far as having any sexual contact with another woman (without her consent - we wont go there in this email - if anyone want to know the WHOLE story...subscribe to MWad NOW and we will get down to it).
So, here I am. I have moved to Philadelphia and I am living with the woman I love, GEBS (Greeneyes Bluesoul). I am going to be doing some construction work until I can find an engineering job here in Philly. All the while I am going to be peddling my art to some agents so that I dont have to mess with that end of the spectrum, because I am definitely not a salesman and I am my own worst critic when it comes to my art.
But, most important of all...I am back here, folks. The stuff that held me back away from here is gone. It's over. I will never be controlled and manipulated again. I have sent, at least 2 or 3 I'm back' letters and really...that was a mistake and very premature because those were only points in times that I allowed myself to accept the horrible situation I was in just to be with my kids. I never wanted to be apart from them...ever. They have been life, heart, and soul....for a long time. They still are. This part continues to kill me because it doesn't look like I am going to be able to see them very often, if at all, for a while. And being in Philly has nothing to do it, believe me, I would fly to the ends of the earth for them. That is part of the reason why I am seeking out an engineering job.
SO, after spilling my guts I would like to add that if you have the means to subscribe to MW ($5-$30 a month -- and yearly subs are availiable, too) or MWad if youre over 18 years old (That's only $2 a month) then please do so. ( Here is the link to subscribe:
http://www.mysticwicks.com/payments.php )I have had a lot of folks unsubscribe as of late and I can't blame them. The server has been very sporadic and I haven't been around to fix it. This is changing. I find myself in the unique position now to be able to pursue everything I have ever wanted. For the first time in my life I feel like I am actually in control of my own destiny. GEBS doesn't want anything about me to change...she encourages me to be ME and that, my friends is a breath of fresh air. I am feeling again and it is a shock after being so numb for so long. I am also off the booze and drugs (ok...an occasional drink, folks...I am not dead, after all).
Right now I feel at peace with everything. I can see again. I can feel again. I can express myself without walking on pins and needles. It's an amazing feeling and it makes me excited about life again....and the future. Especially the future of MW. This is the greatest community on earth and I feel like you are all my friends and family, and as such, I feel the need to explain to you what has been going on with me since I have pretty much been in a hole for the better part of a year and half. Thankfully, a whole bunch of you threw a rope down to me and dragged me right back up. I will never forget that and you know who you are...no need to name names. I love you all.
All of this has been the hardest and most painful trial I have ever been through in my life, but I feel myself getting stronger every day because of it. So, again, I wouldn't change anything. Everything works out for a reason. Being a Thelemite I know that I have a specific path and if I am walking that path correctly then no strife will come my way. I have been allowing strife to enter into my path, and that is over.
MW is going to prosper. Not money-wise (Well, ok...I wouldn't mind that either, folks), but the old way....you remember...the togetherness. We now have two tight-knit communities (MW and MWad) and they have both been in disarray mostly because no one knows what the heck is going on. Now you all do. And now it's time for not just me to move on, but for everyone. I am always here if any of you need me. Whether you have 5 posts or 20000 you are all equal and I love you just the same. If you need anything, just email me.
Thanks for everything.
Love,
mol
