Can we talk about me now? (Open bar thread #3,494)

[Juana]

Yep.


On another note, Pixie, what kind of sacrifices do I need to make to you for some decent rain? Goddamn I hate Fresno's filthy, filthy air.

[trippinprincezz13]

Interesting thing, Trippin...A lot of people dealing with depression tend to find some unobtainable standard of perfection and go completely batshit trying to achieve it.  In your case, cleaning.

I think - and let's be clear, here:  I am NOT a psychologist - that it's a way of deliberately setting yourself up to fail, to validate the cruddy way you view yourself.  "I can't even keep a house clean *scrub, scrub, scrub*"  The problem isn't that the house is dirty (I very much doubt that it is, by any reasonable standard), but rather the inside of your head needs to be cleaned.

Don't take that as an insult; the inside of my head looks like an untended chicken coop.

The problem is, this sort of skewed perception is a form of feedback loop, like anorexia.  Odds are really high that you won't be able to beat it without some kind of help.

This brings up another issue:  Many people feel that going to a therapist is an admission of weakness.  This is utter bullshit, of course, because ANYONE who claims to have their shit in one bag in a culture as complex as ours is either a liar, or so far gone that they can't tell the difference anymore.  Would you refrain from getting treated for pneumonia or strep throat or a broken arm?  This is no different.

And read this after my last post. Nail, meet Head. I can see the bolded part sometimes, I don't think you're far off on that. I can sometimes even pick out bits and pieces that probably contributed (my ex was a REAL ass if the apartment wasn't spotless every day, among other things. So yea...therapy)

I'll be ranting and raving about cleaning and my boyfriend, and others sometimes, will all be all "WTF? Clean what?" and then I flail around all "CAN"T YOU SEE?!?!?" (usually a little less crazy than that). And/or well, "Be realistic at least. Can't do everything in one day" And I think it is getting to the point where it's setting me on a path towards self-destruction and self-fulfilling prophecies.

And yea, I am probably going to push myself a bit to get to talking to someone. I don't hate them like my mother does. More of a matter of admitting that yea, I do need help and maybe I can't handle everything by myself all the time and this what they're there for.

And I've said this a lot today but thank you, really. It helped a lot

[trippinprincezz13]

Yep.


On another note, Pixie, what kind of sacrifices do I need to make to you for some decent rain? Goddamn I hate Fresno's filthy, filthy air.

I think her aim's a bit off. It's been raining forever over on this side of the country.

Except for today. No rain today

[The Good Reverend Roger]

Interesting thing, Trippin...A lot of people dealing with depression tend to find some unobtainable standard of perfection and go completely batshit trying to achieve it.  In your case, cleaning.

I think - and let's be clear, here:  I am NOT a psychologist - that it's a way of deliberately setting yourself up to fail, to validate the cruddy way you view yourself.  "I can't even keep a house clean *scrub, scrub, scrub*"  The problem isn't that the house is dirty (I very much doubt that it is, by any reasonable standard), but rather the inside of your head needs to be cleaned.

Don't take that as an insult; the inside of my head looks like an untended chicken coop.

The problem is, this sort of skewed perception is a form of feedback loop, like anorexia.  Odds are really high that you won't be able to beat it without some kind of help.

This brings up another issue:  Many people feel that going to a therapist is an admission of weakness.  This is utter bullshit, of course, because ANYONE who claims to have their shit in one bag in a culture as complex as ours is either a liar, or so far gone that they can't tell the difference anymore.  Would you refrain from getting treated for pneumonia or strep throat or a broken arm?  This is no different.

And read this after my last post. Nail, meet Head. I can see the bolded part sometimes, I don't think you're far off on that. I can sometimes even pick out bits and pieces that probably contributed (my ex was a REAL ass if the apartment wasn't spotless every day, among other things. So yea...therapy)

I'll be ranting and raving about cleaning and my boyfriend, and others sometimes, will all be all "WTF? Clean what?" and then I flail around all "CAN"T YOU SEE?!?!?" (usually a little less crazy than that). And/or well, "Be realistic at least. Can't do everything in one day" And I think it is getting to the point where it's setting me on a path towards self-destruction and self-fulfilling prophecies.

And yea, I am probably going to push myself a bit to get to talking to someone. I don't hate them like my mother does. More of a matter of admitting that yea, I do need help and maybe I can't handle everything by myself all the time and this what they're there for.

And I've said this a lot today but thank you, really. It helped a lot

Any time, Trippen.

[The Good Reverend Roger]

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Alpha_Centauri_Bb

AND WHOMEVER LIVES THERE SHOULD STAY THERE.  THERE ARE ENOUGH ASSHOLES HERE.

[Kai]

Been having a scare for the past several days. Huge blood sugar spikes after eating, partnered with thirst and increased urination, along with other things. I tried to get a blood test done this morning, but due to my major needle phobia I couldn't do it. Trying again tomorrow, telling the nurse I need help getting through that. I have to get this checked out. These are the same symptoms my father had at this age, when he contracted type 1 diabetes. Yes, it can after childhood, and I am not in any way at risk for type 2. My parents were planning on coming down in another week, but due to this they've moved it forward and are going to get here this weekend. This is major scary shit for me, as I was telling Phox and my mom over the phone just a while ago and crying. This is like something out of my worst nightmares. I don't usually post these things on here, but I just feel like I need to say something because I'm so afraid of all of this.

In before "F*CK YOU, MY KAI DIED OF DIABETUS".

[The Good Reverend Roger]

Been having a scare for the past several days. Huge blood sugar spikes after eating, partnered with thirst and increased urination, along with other things. I tried to get a blood test done this morning, but due to my major needle phobia I couldn't do it. Trying again tomorrow, telling the nurse I need help getting through that. I have to get this checked out. These are the same symptoms my father had at this age, when he contracted type 1 diabetes. Yes, it can after childhood, and I am not in any way at risk for type 2. My parents were planning on coming down in another week, but due to this they've moved it forward and are going to get here this weekend. This is major scary shit for me, as I was telling Phox and my mom over the phone just a while ago and crying. This is like something out of my worst nightmares. I don't usually post these things on here, but I just feel like I need to say something because I'm so afraid of all of this.

In before "F*CK YOU, MY KAI DIED OF DIABETUS".

Aw, that fucking blows, Kai.

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

Hope you're back with words soon, Freeky.

Ergh.  I'm pretty sure I would stroke out if I had to work a job like that.  You've got fortitude, sir.

Well, I'm only a few weeks in, so we'll see if your generous assessment is accurate in due time.

It is the cream of the crop of call centers though, whatever that means, according to people who have worked in the godforsaken "field".

Does that mean there isn't terrible yellow lighting and that the floors don't flex when walked on by more than two people? Are your superiors not rule nazis?


I really hate the "kids nowadays are [x negative trait]. We were never like that!" thing. We were. You just don't remember it, grandpa.

I've got one for you, Garbo, but it runs in the opposite direction.

Kids these days are engaged and socially conscious. We were never like that! When I was that age my generation was chock-a-block with asswipes and hoodlums who only gave a shit about themselves. Bunch of worthless fucks. Every time I encounter a teenager who is polite, conversational, and concerned about social justice (which is the majority of kids I meet), I think to myself "Kids these days!" but it's got a whole different inflection. Kids these days are AWESOME. If we'd been like them, we would already have universal health care and a guaranteed minimum standard of living.

Could just be Portland, though.

[Kai]

Been having a scare for the past several days. Huge blood sugar spikes after eating, partnered with thirst and increased urination, along with other things. I tried to get a blood test done this morning, but due to my major needle phobia I couldn't do it. Trying again tomorrow, telling the nurse I need help getting through that. I have to get this checked out. These are the same symptoms my father had at this age, when he contracted type 1 diabetes. Yes, it can after childhood, and I am not in any way at risk for type 2. My parents were planning on coming down in another week, but due to this they've moved it forward and are going to get here this weekend. This is major scary shit for me, as I was telling Phox and my mom over the phone just a while ago and crying. This is like something out of my worst nightmares. I don't usually post these things on here, but I just feel like I need to say something because I'm so afraid of all of this.

In before "F*CK YOU, MY KAI DIED OF DIABETUS".

Aw, that fucking blows, Kai.

I just want it to be nothing, a sudden illness that will go away. If it is what I fear, I definitely will be getting a pump. I cannot do needles 5 times a day. Too many bad childhood experiences.

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

In the hospital family center while I wait for Villager's procedure to happen and finish.

Fortunately, they have a laptop here.

Good luck to Villager!

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

In a real funk, and it only seems to be getting worse. Especially when my brain seems to be actively working against me trying to pull myself out of it. If I just stop and relax for a bit, I worry that I should be doing something, or I'm forgetting to do something or WHY ARE YOU JUST SITTING THERE NOT DOING THE LAUNDRY/CLEANING/COOKING/SOMETHING. If I go out and genuinely have fun and enjoy myself, I immediately feel guilty about it because you must have done something wrong, look at how stupid you must have looked, EVERYONE KNOWS YOU LOOKED LIKE AN ASS. They were just being nice because they felt bad, you know they're talking about you now. FFS, I can barely spend a day with my parents without thinking I screwed it up somehow. 

So then I don't do anything so that I can't make myself feel bad about it later. But I WANT to go out and talk to people, so I get more depressed, and withdrawn, resentful and angry and start lashing out at those around me. Feel bad about it later, and so on. And it builds up, and I'm stressed all the time and just so tired. And how do you explain that to anyone without sounding completely insane?

And this is all TMI, and probably won't do any good, but I just....don't know.

"I have low self-esteem and feel like I'm only valuable as a person if I'm getting things done. This is leading to increasing stress, self-consciousness, social isolation, and anxiety. I need to break this cycle, can you help me with that?"

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

Have you tried taking a hike and eating a sammich? Those feelings sound really familiar, and that's one way I've had some success shutting them up for a bit. YMMV.

This is goddamn excellent advice, and I am not at all kidding about that. HIGHLY RECOMMEND, A++.

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

Do you jog? Roger suggested that I start hitting the treadmill. I haven't yet because... well I don't have a good reason.

I'll do it tomorrow.
I'll do it tomorrow.
I'll do it tomorrow.
I'll do it tomorrow.
I'll do it tomorrow.
I'll do it tomorrow.
I'll do it tomorrow.

And that is largely the essence of why I'm in what I'm in now.

You gotta schedule it in. Seriously. I haven't been walking to school because I haven't scheduled it in on the days when there's actually room for it on my schedule. As a result I ain't getting any less fat and my stress level is spiking.

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

In a real funk, and it only seems to be getting worse. Especially when my brain seems to be actively working against me trying to pull myself out of it. If I just stop and relax for a bit, I worry that I should be doing something, or I'm forgetting to do something or WHY ARE YOU JUST SITTING THERE NOT DOING THE LAUNDRY/CLEANING/COOKING/SOMETHING. If I go out and genuinely have fun and enjoy myself, I immediately feel guilty about it because you must have done something wrong, look at how stupid you must have looked, EVERYONE KNOWS YOU LOOKED LIKE AN ASS. They were just being nice because they felt bad, you know they're talking about you now. FFS, I can barely spend a day with my parents without thinking I screwed it up somehow. 

So then I don't do anything so that I can't make myself feel bad about it later. But I WANT to go out and talk to people, so I get more depressed, and withdrawn, resentful and angry and start lashing out at those around me. Feel bad about it later, and so on. And it builds up, and I'm stressed all the time and just so tired. And how do you explain that to anyone without sounding completely insane?

And this is all TMI, and probably won't do any good, but I just....don't know.

It's simple, really.  You lack Slack.  You worry about what other people think of you.  You worry that having a good time is somehow BADWRONG.  In many people, this leads them to join religious groups that frown on fun entirely.  In others, it leads to the situation you find yourself in. 

That's the EASY part.  The hard part is doing something ABOUT it.  My advice is to work with a therapist, combined with some exercise.  Assuming you can AFFORD a therapist.  If you can't, talk to Nigel, who may have some information on how to find publicly funded therapy.  If this turns out not to be an option, then there's The Cure.  That should be considered a last resort, of course, as it tends to turn you into a 44 year old, bitter old man that hates everyone and spends all his time NOT giving a shit what most people think.  That does, believe it or not, have some downsides.

This is AMAZING. 

Also, Princezz, if a hike is too much of a commitment (and I know exactly what that feels like) if there is one thing, just one, I can recommend, it's that you go for a half hour walk every single day. The great thing is that it's only half an hour, and you don't need any equipment or special clothes. You can just pop out the front door, walk for fifteen minutes, and turn around. It should make a surprising difference in how you feel and think.

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

Nothing that I'm aware of yet.

Now you are.  My birthday party is scheduled for that Saturday, and you need to get down here for it.  There will be booze.  There will be freaks.  There will be a declaration of martial law.

If there is any time that I wish to fuck that Tucson was within a day's drive, this is it.