Topics

16

Apple Talk / This year so far in (or around) Central Florida

« on: April 28, 2012, 05:23:22 am »

Ready?
-Smoke n shit on I-75 causes a pile up of more than a dozen cars and 11 people die
-Trayvon Martin gets shot, racial bullshit ensues
-2 teenage boys that went to my son's school are bound, shot and set on fire on the bike trail near my house
-The old lady that owned the food truck near the bar I work at was shot dead in it while being robbed
-Some crazy bitch yanked her clothes off and tried to jump off the 408
-Casey Anthony is still in the news, being sued for defamation or some shit

and that's not even the WEIRD stuff

17

Apple Talk / ATTN: Boob people

« on: April 27, 2012, 02:09:37 am »

BOOBS!


fuck off

18

Apple Talk / CAPTION THIS

« on: April 16, 2012, 08:31:45 pm »

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaan go...

19

Apple Talk / I FUCKING HATE ALL OF YOU

« on: March 21, 2012, 02:41:06 am »

not really.
it's been a while.

also
FUCK OFF

20

Apple Talk / Dear Roger

« on: February 02, 2012, 11:23:59 pm »

or as I like to call you, rotting old shitbag, sir.

I'd like to inform you that I received your message today, via swamp gas, and my response is as follows:

Life here is weird STOP. Losing my mind at new job training STOP. I've developed a case of brain pigeons STOP.
They say there is no cure and that it won't be long before the fountains of blood rain their sweet waters down upon the land STOP.
I encourage you to bring back the Open Bar STOP. I believe the army of giant vaginas has left this part of the galaxy freeing us of it's mighty grip STOP.
Now I have to shit.
Squishily,
Squid

21

Discordian Recipes / This is where I piss off ECH

« on: January 08, 2012, 10:23:07 am »

So.
Romaine lettuce, grape tomatoes and blue cheese dressing, yeah?
Then I heated up some shredded BBQ chicken and threw it on there.

Almost puked.

Thoughts?

22

Discordian Recipes / Broccoli Cheddar Duvel Soup- easy style

« on: December 30, 2011, 02:09:18 am »

This is the shit you need:

5Tbs butter, 5Tbs flour, 1 Duvel, 2 cups chicken broth, 3 cups half and half, 2 containers frozen chopped broccoli, 1 lb shredded cheddar, 1 potato

side note: you may substitute for real cheese (good cheese), add ham or bacon, fresh broccoli, etc.. this cheese was bogo and we were hungry now

Your spices:

salt, pepper, a wee bit of nutmeg and either a pinch of cayenne or a dash of Crystal.

Do this:

Make your roux by melting butter till bubbly, then add flour and whisk. Keep whisking till all that raw flour smell is gone and it darkens slightly. You don't need to make it brick red, we're not making gumbo here.


Next start adding your stock and beer. Make sure you heat it up in a pot or in the microwave first. Don't want to add cold stuff to hot roux. It will thicken like a paste at first, don't be skeered, keep whisking until its smooth. Don't add your liquids too fast or you'll get lumps and I'll smash your fingers with a cast iron skillet.


Then add your potato that you've diced into little bitty pieces. If you want to pre-boil these to make the shit go faster, feel free, just don't turn em to fucking mush. I like em to keep their shape. The starch also makes your soup thick and silky.


Add your half and half. Warm half and half, remember. Don't break the shit. Add it slow and stir it gently, that potato is gonna stick.


After your shit is fucking hot add your cheese, shredded, a little bit at a time. Melt it in there nice and slow. Don't rush these steps. Make sure each time you add something you heat it thoroughly but don't bring the shit to a boil, you want it just about at a simmer the whole time. Boiling is bad!


Look. I discovered the FLASH. Your shit should look like this.


Now you can taste the shit and add your spices. I wait till now so I can see how salty it will be after I add the cheese n shit.


Chuck in your broccoli and stir it in real good. If you use frozen, thaw the shit till it's slightly warm in the microwave first. Don't add frozen broccoli to this shit or it will be broken and ugly like your mom.


It should look like this


Now add your cayenne or Crystal. Mmmmmm. Not too much now, you just barely want to taste it. A little.


If you didn't fuck up and you did like I said, it should look like this. Serve it with a Duvel, of course and eat it till your farts burn your pets eyes.

23

Apple Talk / Random thoughts that fizzle out in mid shit where was I...

« on: December 27, 2011, 09:50:57 pm »

That's just the way they work lately. I think of something, it dies in the middle and I want nachos.

24

Apple Talk / Oh jesus shit.

« on: December 27, 2011, 05:34:30 am »

So uh.. I'm late to the party and just turned everyone into a robot.

Boy I wish I hadn't done that.

25

Apple Talk / TO: Anyone who has purchased a home..

« on: September 03, 2011, 03:26:31 am »

SRSLY WTF!!

This is supposed to be a happy moment and all I can do is pull my hair out and eat it. I've never done this before so I have no idea what to do.
I've been given deadlines for so much shit and my first thing is to secure a loan, but I only have a couple of days to do it so I can meet deadline for inspection/appraisal and all that other shit.
I think??
I also need insurance.. on something I don't even own yet? Can we wait till I sign something?

Anyone have any tips, advice, thorazine?

26

Apple Talk / Dear Roger

« on: March 22, 2011, 06:53:07 am »

I listened to your voicemail through my headphones at work today. Three people walked by as I made loud audible sounds that, to me, were laughter. To them, more like screaming.
They gave me a strange sort of look and I kept laughing.. only with the angry eyes.

Because of you, three more people in the world are terrified of and confused by me.
Good work, sir. Good work.

Now if you'll excuse me, I hear the sound of snoring in the other room which means it's bedtime. Or as I like to call it, lay in bed all night and listen to snoring time.

27

Apple Talk / People who travel, tell me..

« on: February 13, 2011, 05:43:23 am »

Is there some sort of wine box/beer bottle caddy that you can bring on board an airplane so you don't have to wrap all your bottles in your suitcase shifting all the sediment?
Is there a way to bring the shit on like a pet?

Or do I have to hope that the sediment will settle in about a day?

28

Discordian Recipes / Steel cut oats...

« on: February 04, 2011, 05:45:13 pm »

Are they worth the effort?
I like oatmeal but I hate the glumpy paste that instant oats turn into.

I hear that steel cut oats do not do this and that you can even make a big pot and store them in the fridge.

Now, if you put more water in the instant oats than is recommended it takes longer for them to turn to glue so that's what I do. I hear rolled oats cook quickly and you can even microwave them, but are they as good as steel cut?

THOUGHTS!

29

Apple Talk / Dear LMNO

« on: January 13, 2011, 02:46:18 am »

Thank you for the lovely gift.
My pance have exploded, I killed 2 cats with assfire and I'm bleeding snakes from my nose.

Life is pretty awesome.
Also the room just got really shiny.

Hot damn, sir. Hot damn.

30

Discordian Recipes / Sunday Brunch

« on: January 11, 2011, 05:02:55 pm »

I put a brunch together and made the following:
(sadly there are no pics, I wasn't thinking clearly due to exhaustion)

Baked brie in filo cups topped with apricot coconut cardamom jam

Duck benedict on challah with plum and wine sauce

Grits made with duck broth topped with crispy proscuitto

Recipes:

Jam-
apricots
coconut milk
brown sugar
EOC's honey
cardamom

-stir into pot, cook until thick

Duck-
one duck
thyme
salt
crockpot

-butcher duck, place breast and legs+thighs in crockpot with skin folded under, rub on some olive oil, salt, place thyme sprigs on top, prick skin to allow fat to seep out, cover, cook on low overnight.
-save wings, spine, neck and any other parts for stock pot. add mirepoix, thyme, salt pepper and water. cover and cook on the lowest heat possible overnight. add a bay leaf if you want, I didn't.

plum wine sauce:
hoisin
red wine
cinnamon

- melt hoisin in a pan, add some wine and a touch of cinnamon

Plating- toast a slice of challah, put a poached egg on that, top with duck and drizzle with plum wine sauce

Grits:
-follow instructions on bag or box, just use the duck broth/stock whatever instead of water, crisp up some proscuitto and crumble it on top.

I served it with a "mimosa" made with pear nectar, ginger ale and prosecco
Then we all got really fat and died.