Messages

1

Apple Talk / Forgetting Eris

« on: July 25, 2022, 07:23:06 pm »

Is it any coincidence that this here temple flew to pieces in late 2015, and that since then, every year has been weirder in a bad way then the year prior?

In 2015, most of our heroes died.
In 2016, we found out that most of the remaining heroes were irredeemable shitnecks, abusers, and bigots.
2017-2019 was just a fat orange guy screeching out Adderol-fueled tweets nonstop.
2020 was a nonstop litany of horror, starting with the plague, carrying on with forest fires, and also murder hornets.
2021 was worse.  We couldn't get a week into it without a Nazi insurrection, and then the boat got stuck¹.
2022 is even worse than that (Roe v Wade, etc).  Also, the plague is back.  Plus monkeypox.  This fall doesn't look any better.

It's almost as if a certain minor Greek god was trying to get our attention, right?  Or worse, she's really mad that we ghosted her and now we're gonna PAY.  And by "we" I mean "everyone, everywhere."

Hey, it makes just as much sense as anything else.




¹ I remember hearing otherwise intelligent people saying they were glad the boat got stuck, as if somehow it were going to be the rich that suffered.  Which goes to show that even smart people can be stupid as hell sometimes.

2

Apple Talk / Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)

« on: July 20, 2022, 04:41:59 am »

Tina is amazing.

She is.

What Tina doesn't know is that she is leaving Tucson after all this time, for a week, because I have unspent money and she needs to see Washington.

In August.

Anyway, she will be properly briefed about you lowlanders.

3

Apple Talk / Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)

« on: July 20, 2022, 12:09:38 am »

Tina:  "This sirocco bullshit you have in Tucson is CRAP!  The wind should NOT be hotter than the still air."

Me:  "We?  You grew up here.  You've never in fact left Tucson in your life."

Tina:  "Yes, but every year it's a fresh surprise.  It's like every July God calls up just to insult me."

Me:  "..."

Tina:  "And my mom."

Me:  "..."

Tina:  "And my dog."

Me:  "Well, you're not wrong."

4

Apple Talk / Re: Open Bar: Curbside Pickup Only

« on: July 18, 2022, 06:50:25 pm »

Kind of a crazy week for me— my nephew was drafted into the NHL, then a couple days later my partner almost died in front of me from some unknown allergen - literally almost died, they were turning blue, choking and foaming at the mouth, it was HORRIFYING - then contracted covid (finally, after successfully dodging for over 2 years) which has zapped me of any life I had left in me… on top of all that I heard back about a poem I sent away ages ago, and they EVISCERATED it.

So it’s been quite a week!

Yeah, my youngest kid has been in and out of the hospital for about 6 weeks now, so I feel ya.

5

Apple Talk / Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)

« on: July 08, 2022, 12:35:42 am »

Today at work:

Billy:  "Hey, Hamish, you remember my cousin Larry?"

Me: "Yeah, that's the one on the chamber of commerce, right?"

Billy:  "Not anymore.  He got assigned to tourism."

Tina:  "Tourism?  In TUCSON?"

Norton:  *wince*

Sideways Dave:  *GRIN*

Billy:  "Yeah, he's not the happiest man I know."

Me:  "We should help him.  We could think up slogans."

Tina (wild-eyed):  "Our official city sport is SKIN CANCER!"

SD:  "Tucson sex tourism!  Come to Tucson, GET FUCKED."

Me:  "The last vacation you'll ever need!"

Norton:  "Ride the majestic tarantula hawk!"

Me:  "Billy, aren't you going to write these down?"

Billy:  "Why?  He's on speaker phone."

Larry:  "Fuck you guys."

Tina:  "RUDE!"

Me:  "You're going to do great things, Larry."

6

Apple Talk / Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)

« on: July 07, 2022, 03:08:19 am »

So the Tina/Sideways bromance is coming right along.

There's nothing going on (Dave is not sexually interested in multicellular life), it's just that they're now besties.

A couple of things I have noticed about this:

1.  Tina is now a person that feels totally safe, which seems to make humans unreasonably happy and creative.

2.  The moving target has come to an arrangement with the T-Rex.  You should stay out of the swamps if you know what's good for you.  Just because Tina is safe doesn't mean you're safe.  Imagine if little Red Riding Hood had an arrangement like this with wolves.  Fuck that woodcutter creep, right?  Come around here and you'll get sent home in an ambulance.  Just kidding.  You won't be going home.

7

Apple Talk / Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)

« on: July 04, 2022, 03:28:55 am »

Today, I was randomly assigned to the marketing group for "fresh ideas."

Clayton:  "Our new product is clearly superior to the existing products, but the market is saturated with older product.  We need ways to penetrate that market."

Doug:  "I wrote a new vision statement..."

Me:  "Shut up, Doug."

Clayton:  "Yes.  Shut up.  We are not here to write business plans or vision statements, we are here to come up with WAYS. TO MOVE. PRODUCT.  So instead of whatever Dilbert crap you have floating in your head, give me things that will actually get people to sit up and take notice."

Me:  "You can stab your enemies from 700 miles away."

I recently took up archery, and, almost three years after you wrote it, that line suddenly makes perfect sense.

That's quite a bow you have there.   

8

Apple Talk / Re: Open Bar: Curbside Pickup Only

« on: June 30, 2022, 01:37:22 am »

Well, caught another 6 day ban on Facebook for referring to American Christians as the Taliban.

9

Apple Talk / 2022 Rant

« on: June 30, 2022, 12:13:06 am »

Hi, I'm still Hamish Howl, and I still hate humans.

Things are looking pretty bleak out there, in theocratic, Handmaiden's Tale kinda way.  I warned you guys about this shit way back in 2003, but you didn't listen...But that's okay, because I knew you wouldn't listen.  Nobody ever does.  I am Cassandra with a dad bod.

But now the coming weird times are HERE, and warnings are of no further use, so I guess I should be telling you how to get by in this dystopian nightmare they built around us while we were dozing.  I do in fact have useful advice, so let me just start off with the important bit:

Anyone can be Hamish Howl.

That's right.  Anyone at all can Hamish, and everyone can Howl.  Ask yourself this:  In the nightmare future in which we live, would you rather be a speed bump, or would you be a mad scientist that corrupts everything around you?

This is really a no-brainer.  There's nothing you or I can do to stop the relentless tide of po'bucker trash, but we CAN make their fucking eyes bleed.  You can inflict yourself on anyone who feels the NEED to make excuses for all this mishagoss going on around us.  Whether it's a knee in the nuts or parking lot bumper sticker antics, OR JUST "ATTENDING" CHURCH on Sunday, you can hand those bastards back all the misery which they have felt the need to hand to US.

Let's face facts:  We're doomed.  But like mama always told me, Save  your brightest smile for hell, Darlings!"

You better be Hamish.  You'd better Howl.  It's your last chance.

10

Apple Talk / Re: Open Bar: Curbside Pickup Only

« on: June 29, 2022, 08:36:54 pm »

I have a proper rant percolating for the first time since 2016 or so.

11

Aneristic Illusions / Re: Just to all the American Spags

« on: June 29, 2022, 03:31:57 am »

Assumes things will get better.

12

Aneristic Illusions / Re: Just to all the American Spags

« on: June 28, 2022, 09:42:18 pm »

Five years ago if you told me there was going to be a systematic and targeted attack, dismantling of women's / LGBT / Minority rights I would have taken it as a bit of hyperbole.
Now I would be surprised if interracial marriage is still legal within the next two years.

I am terrified at the thought of any developed nation, deliberately driving its own populace to poverty, and embracing full on fundamentalist values but here we are.

Be safe, wherever you are.

I do recall forseeing this all back in 2002/2003 on this very board.

I thought I was going a little over the top, but it turns out my bitter pessimism was actually idiotic optimism.

13

Only Maybe Arts Lab / Re: WEIRDOVERSE

« on: June 26, 2022, 07:09:31 am »

This is one of your best.

14

Propaganda Depository / Re: ESP in One Month practice

« on: June 24, 2022, 03:01:05 am »

There is only one Hirley0.

15

Apple Talk / Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)

« on: June 23, 2022, 12:26:39 am »

The ruckus at work today:

So imagine you're a 40 something private security guard who peaked in the Navy in 2000 or so, and you don't really think about the 20+ years of hamburgers between then and now.  And there's this hot new girl up in the <agency> office, fresh out of college.
So you find an excuse to go chat her up.

She doesn't seem to be receiving the message you're sending, and asks you to leave her office.  Heh.  Playing hard to get.  Keep chatting.
But there's a couple of things you didn't know.

1.  Her boss thoughtfully installed a panic button at everyone's desk.

2.  The panic button doesn't go to your clown coworkers.  No.  It goes somewhere else entirely.

And when you look up and down the hallway, there's Hamish coming from one direction, with a US Marshal behind him.

And the other direction has Sideways Dave, dancing to music only he can hear coming the other way.  700 pounds of angry humans are coming to explain to you, in terms you will understand, the error of your ways.

Fade to black.