Dating and Sex for Bipeds

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

Inspired by Pixie's suggestion and several of the excellent recent ongoing threads about sex and gender interaction in society, I thought I'd start this thread as a repository/discussion box for the topic.

Everyone should feel free to include sex and dating advice from their own perspective; don't feel like it needs to be massaged to be applicable to everyone, although in many, if not most, cases, it will be to some degree or another, regardless of what the specific combination of dongles and ports may be. I'll start by digging up an old post I wrote last year.

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

This is some of the accumulated wisdom of my recent dating experiences as I continue to go on dismayingly bad dates and find new, fascinating ways in which men sabotage their own chances. These are all tips harvested from actual first dates. They're directed at men because I date men, but ladies; most or all of these tips apply to you too. Don't blow it.



I'm going to start with some don'ts for a first date:



1. Don't ninja-kiss.



Ninja-kissing is any kind of move that gets your lips to her lips unexpectedly, before she has a chance to intercept or deflect. A classic is the lean-in-close, "What's that perfume you're wearing?" and then BAM. This may be charming at some point AFTER the first kiss, but is completely unacceptable for the first kiss. For the first kiss, you want there to be an unmistakable connection and mutual interest; you should be facing each other and she should be leaning toward you, making lots of eye contact.



2. Don't put your fingers in her ears.



This should be self-explanatory.



3. Don't go for the first kiss while you're still in the restaurant.



Some girls may be OK with PDA, but until you know, don't do it. It's awkward and embarrassing to disentangle yourself from a guy who you had been interested in right up until he went in for a makeout session at your table at Besaw's while the other patrons watch and the waiter awkwardly avoids your table.



4. Take no for an answer.



This is obvious when it comes to sex (and it's a first date, so you SHOULD NOT be trying to get into her pants yet anyway) but it applies to everything. If you want to offer to pick up the tab, that's fine, but if she says no, don't reply with "I insist". If you offer to walk her or give her a ride home and she says no, DO NOT insist or try to talk her into it. That crosses the boundary to creepyland, and you will not be getting a second date. Likewise, if you do end up making out at the end of the night and you invite her in, if she says no, drop it. And don't angle for excuses to get insider her house, either; I don't care how badly you have to pee. If she doesn't invite you in, don't ask. See next point:



5. Don't try to get laid on the first date.



This is a big one. This can be THE dealbreaker on a date where everything else went smoothly. She may be totally into you and think you're the cat's pajamas, but as soon as you angle for pussy, the doors slam shut and you won't be seeing her again, ever. If she is totally into you and wants to fuck your brains out RIGHT THIS SECOND, it will only get her hotter if you make her wait for it, and if she's on the fence, this could be the bucket of cold water that gets her off of it and securely back on her own side with a scattergun aimed at your face. Don't ever mention anything about your cock; this does not get girls hot on the first date. Don't try to put your hand in her pants or under her shirt. Don't make a show of adjusting your erection after you make out. Just don't.



6. Don't ask her out on a second date while you're still on the first date.



It's a tricky line to walk, because if she's totally super into you, this won't be a dealbreaker. But if she's not sure, it will make you seem pathetic and desperate. You can mention things you think would be fun, and you can even say something like "if we hang out again we should (fill in the blank)" but not more than once. If you keep on repeating anything about hanging out in the future, you start to look pitiful and needy, like you need constant reassurance and are also already mentally filling out a wedding registry. Focus on the now. Tell her you're having a great time and are really glad you're hanging out. But save the talk of future plans for later. Related:



7. If you absolutely cannot refrain from texting her immediately after the date, text her once.



Only once. Don't be effusive, don't ask her out again yet, just say something like "I had a great time" or "You're so beautiful!" Better yet, don't. And DEFINITELY don't text her 14 or 15 times and then call her before she's even made it home. For the love of god, don't look up her work email address on the internet and email her several times the next day asking if she got your texts and why she hasn't gotten back to you yet and talking about your amazing connection and how you just know she's the one.



8. Don't text her shirtless (or naked) cell phone pics and ask her for some in return.



Especially on a major holiday that she is undoubtedly spending with her family. You definitely won't get a second date that way.



9. When you're making out behind the bar after hours and she asks what you should do now, it is not a good time to mention that you'd really love to crash at her place because you live in your car and it gets cold at night.



10. After you have completely disregarded all the above advice and she declines to go on a second date with you, or simply ignores your increasingly desperate attempts at reaching her, leave her the fuck alone. Don't text her overwrought messages about how you can't believe she's just throwing it all away and you should have known better than to open up because it always just means you get burned, and don't your feelings have any influence in the matter, and she is such a cold unfeeling bitch but oh god if she would just give you a chance and stop pushing you away you know you could heal her and you'd be good to her baby, THAT WHORE she's probably fucking her ex-boyfriend. But you're so glad you got to have sushi with her for that one precious hour, even if it had to end like this.



Don't do that, for sure.

[The Good Reverend Roger]

2. Don't put your fingers in her ears.



This should be self-explanatory.

That's kinda hot.

[The Good Reverend Roger]

(serious material tomorrow)

[Freeky]

Don't talk about people you hate.  Most especially you should not go on at great length about how you hate your ex, or jews, or anyone else.  In fact, never talk about that at any point in your relationship/courtship, it's most important that you not talk about how much you hate the gays when someone is trying to get to know you.


Don't try to convince people of widely unpopular "truths" on a first date.  This may include, but is not limited to, telling people Obama is not American OR Kenyan, but is Nigerian (and also Jewish). 

Do be up front if all you're looking for is sex, sex, and more sex.  Don't get upset if the people you try to date decide to not date you.  Do try to understand that the people you may be courting are looking for something more meaningful, and move on.

[Juana]

- Unless you already know this person fairly well, do not try to hug them when you meet up for the first date. It comes off as over-familiar and that's a no-no, particularly for females and women.

- If, at the end of the date, you feel the need to hug them and they indicate (verbally or physically) that they don't want you to, accept it. Forcing a hug is fucking creepy (at best) and creepers don't get a second date.

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

2. Don't put your fingers in her ears.



This should be self-explanatory.

That's kinda hot.

ROWR

[Anna Mae Bollocks]

2. Don't put your fingers in her ears.



This should be self-explanatory.

That's kinda hot.

EARFINGER? 

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

2. Don't put your fingers in her ears.



This should be self-explanatory.

That's kinda hot.

EARFINGER? 

THE MAN WITH THE CREEPY TOUCH

[Anna Mae Bollocks]

All of what Nigel said, but especially this.There is nothing more woman repellant than a guy who acts like a starving dog.

5. Don't try to get laid on the first date.



This is a big one. This can be THE dealbreaker on a date where everything else went smoothly. She may be totally into you and think you're the cat's pajamas, but as soon as you angle for pussy, the doors slam shut and you won't be seeing her again, ever. If she is totally into you and wants to fuck your brains out RIGHT THIS SECOND, it will only get her hotter if you make her wait for it, and if she's on the fence, this could be the bucket of cold water that gets her off of it and securely back on her own side with a scattergun aimed at your face. Don't ever mention anything about your cock; this does not get girls hot on the first date. Don't try to put your hand in her pants or under her shirt. Don't make a show of adjusting your erection after you make out. Just don't.

If we're thinking that way, we will LET YOU KNOW. Women are not shy. We are filthy little beings, oh yes. 

Make us wait anyway.

[The Johnny]

Dont complain about your ex. (at least for a month, and not out of the blue)

Instead of telling things that are supposed to show me how you are "so over him" and he was an "asshole", you are actually showing me how much you think about him still, making me want to leave right there, because i know getting involved with you might involve a clusterfuck that involves the ex.

[The Johnny]

Dont date people that are in a relationship.

I dated a person for about 2 weeks and found out they were not really single; i should have stopped going out with her as soon as i had found out, and it just led to a lot of drama.

[tyrannosaurus vex]

The best way to make a woman feel the special feeling for you is not drugs, you unevolved knuckle-dragging proto-primate. It's DISCO! ...Seriously though, it isn't disco, either.

On a serious note, it may seem somewhat obvious, but for a first date -- and generally for subsequent ones, too -- try to have something to do. The standards are dinner, a movie, or for the adventurous type, dinner and a movie. There are also other activities, but I've never gotten far enough to try any of them out before I was engaged and we had 2 kids. Having something to do -- anything -- works that well. But I've also been on a "date" that consists of sitting in someone's living room, wondering what to do. This is not a date. It's just sad.

Speaking of sad things, funerals are more like a six-month anniversary thing than a first or second date thing. The exception to this is when neither you nor your date knows the deceased, and you just show up for snacks. In this case, however, if you are a male, it's incredibly important that you restrain your instinct to pick up a different date at the funeral, unless that's the plan from the beginning and you're both in on it.

And, of course, when one of your dates brings you to a moment where sexual activity is likely, please remember to wear protection, and not just the Viking helmet.

[hooplala]

2. Don't put your fingers in her ears.



This should be self-explanatory.

That's kinda hot.

was gonna say...

[hooplala]

2. Don't put your fingers in her ears.



This should be self-explanatory.

That's kinda hot.

ROWR

Oh LAWDY