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Messages - Q. G. Pennyworth

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Apple Talk / Re: Open Bar: Drinks are on the Supreme Court
« on: Yesterday at 02:53:16 am »
Stealing that last line

Apple Talk / Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
« on: December 11, 2018, 10:03:37 pm »
I don't know if I should be excited or sorry for him.

I mean, I'm definitely excited for me

Apple Talk / Re: Pretending is more powerful than you know
« on: December 11, 2018, 05:27:06 pm »
Sometimes the thing that's got you fucked up is too insignificant to justify just how fucked up you are.

Sometimes the monsters have no nads for you to kick.

Sometimes you find yourself overdosing on adrenaline and cortisol for no good reason at all.

Sometimes there's no hope of a satisfying narrative conclusion.

And you can hide from this reality, and you can deny this reality, you can live in this reality with no hope of ever growing up or out of your petty trauma and maladaptive coping mechanisms. You can be furious with this reality, and scream into the unfairness of not having a moment to dredge up and fight and win. You can insist that no you're fine really and let everyone else carry the burden of your shit, because you won't.

But these are choices, and you have other options as well.

If a narrative conclusion is what you need, then go and fucking make one. Your head's as big as mine, as big as all our heads: whole universes fit in there. Start using that machine for something more productive than Marvel Cinematic Universe continuity errors. Build yourself a monster and fight it. Build yourself a trauma and overcome it.

You've always been a flighty kid, a dreamy kid, a kid with an overactive imagination. Stop hating that and start using it. Stop wasting it on entertainment and start using it to heal yourself. Write a better story. Run a better game. Make better art. Run that "coming to terms with the past" narrative over and over until it wears a rut in your brain as familiar as the one that says you're an idiot who can't do anything right. Make it as automatic as the path from your bed to the toilet.

Because it turns out your brain doesn't actually give a shit whether the bad thing you're getting over is real or not, it just needs practice going through the motions. It turns out healing is a habit like any other, and "cheating" means absolutely nothing in this context. Sure, there are folks with specific monsters with nads they can kick, who need to spend time doing that thing, but if you are one of the many who is broken because of a thousand papercuts instead of a sword wound, take heed.

Pretending is more powerful than you know.

Excellent thinking there.

Seeking permission to translate into Hungarian and publish, with link to original here. Or alternative, acceptable solution.

Go ahead and translate, but I'd like if you communicate that it's an evolving idea and not entirely ready for prime time yet. Link here is fine, name dropping Holy Nonsense is always great, I don't care much about writing credit for myself but I prefer if people don't pass off my work as their own (QGP, Q.G. Pennyworth, [REDACTED], Some Asshole on PeeDee, Anonymous, and Some Internet Dickwad are all acceptable attributions)

Apple Talk / Re: Planning
« on: December 07, 2018, 11:54:33 am »
Ok, so more of a practical thing than a literal description of your perception of future time. My time sense is literally that weird when my shit's acting up.

Apple Talk / Re: A public service announcement.
« on: December 06, 2018, 09:16:22 pm »
This is great and I wanna steal it but I have to think about how

Apple Talk / Re: Most Wanted, #3 of ?
« on: December 06, 2018, 08:14:00 pm »
Doesn't look like anyone got it, at least from what I could google just now.

Apple Talk / Re: Most Wanted, #3 of ?
« on: December 06, 2018, 07:46:12 pm »
Right, but peach corset and swooshy skirt with black bloc entourage is a pretty good aesthetic, too.

Apple Talk / Re: Planning
« on: December 06, 2018, 04:48:51 pm »
I really like this! I think it's got more to go.

To make sure I'm picking up what you're putting down, this is related to mental health crisis, where the worse shit gets the shorter your window of the possible future gets, right? So there's no meaningful difference between three weeks and five years or forever when you're at the two week rule, but it can get worse.

Apple Talk / Re: Most Wanted, #3 of ?
« on: December 06, 2018, 04:46:12 pm »
The pic in the OP is still one of my PD favorites.

I should have gotten one of me yelling at nazis in a corset.

Apple Talk / Re: Who You Are
« on: December 05, 2018, 04:19:26 pm »
Did the reply as a page. Not sure if it lands in Holy Nonsense or something else, but here you go

Apple Talk / Re: Not Crazy
« on: December 05, 2018, 05:08:22 am »
Yeah, there is an element of scariness and discomfort to the whole thing, for sure.

Apple Talk / Re: Not Crazy
« on: December 05, 2018, 03:12:34 am »
Here is my first delusion:

Part of me is never crazy.  Part of my mind is perfectly objective and entirely rational.  This is That which Watches.  It calmly and stoically observes my limitations, my irrationality, my stupidity, and comments on them.  It is limited only by the accuracy of the information it possesses, and the processing capacity of its platform.  It can provide advice, which is always correct, and almost always useless.  "If you don't want to do that, then stop doing it."

The Me that Watches is not in control.  I can, with significant focus and a huge expenditure of energy, put it in control for brief periods of time, but this is not helpful.  Perfect objectivity simply doesn't apply to the human experience.  It can tell you how to reach a certain goal, but it can't tell you what goals you should have.  And it doesn't want anything.

The Me that Is has good days and bad days.  The pills help.  But bad day or good, crazy or not, it's all me.  The me who has to fight to make eye contact and the me who likes to try new restaurants may seem very different, but we have the same memories, wear the same skin, and we both have the same Watcher lurking backstage.

My second delusion is that, if I am confronted with my delusions, I will correct them, no matter how painful and traumatic.  I've already gone through this at least once.

My third delusion is that I don't have many delusions left to confront.

The Me that Watches, having read this post, suggests that considering it to be a separate entity is a fundamentally flawed viewpoint.  But I'm too sleep-deprived to work through that.

Okay, so I want you to imagine this feeling:
What if you were used to having different parts of you, doing different things and generally keeping the ship running. A crew of sorts for your brain. And sometimes it seems a little crazy and sometimes you're at odds with yourself or whatever, but this is How Brains Work and that's all well and good, and you define "sanity" as "all of the parts of me are doing their job more or less as they are supposed to."

Then one day, with no warning, there is no crew. No different jobs, no internal dialogue, no imaginary homunculii climbing the rigging and setting the sails. Everything in your brain, all of it, is inexplicably, 100%, YOU. There are no divisions. There is no "self that watches." There is no running internal narration or anything. You are in the driver's seat. You are the driver's seat. And try as you might you literally cannot separate out the parts into what you're used to.

Then, an hour or a day or a week later, it all settles back into your familiar mental model.

Apple Talk / Re: On Language
« on: December 05, 2018, 03:05:34 am »
Youíve been pumping out the good shit lately. This is no exception.

I canít wait to see whatís next, itís been consistently on point and excellent reading.

Your last reply is awesome bonus material if you end up doing things with this one, BTW.

I'm glad it's working for folks. It's hard because the forum just isn't as active as it used to be, and I have to remember not to take it personally that there aren't 80 replies an hour lol.

I have one more bouncing around, then I think I can come back and refine a couple of these. I know I don't always incorporate other people's riffs into final versions, but if folks have them I'm eager to read!

Aneristic Illusions / Hypocrisy
« on: December 05, 2018, 12:18:46 am »
As someone who leans decidedly to the left on many issues, I would like to take a moment to express how utterly and completely DONE I am with liberals accusing conservatives of being hypocrites. Seriously, over it.

For starters, it accomplishes nothing. The people who are voting conservative are not unaware of the hypocrisy of their leaders, they have made a calculated decision that what they gain from electing inconstant dickweasels far outweighs whatever damage to their immortal souls they're incurring consorting with hypocrites. You won't change someone's mind or vote with an accusation of hypocrisy, so stop wasting your breath.

For another thing, it's distracting. Attacking someone for hypocrisy invites a debate as to how hypocritical a particular action is, and what someone's true moral compass looks like, and how much of a compromise position is really acceptable, and whether forgiveness is a valuable trait in a voting bloc. And sure, if hypocrisy were literally the worst thing in the world, it would be worth having that debate, but THERE ARE WORSE THINGS THAN HYPOCRISY. If you're mad about children being detained and teargassed, just be mad about that. Don't muddy the waters debating whether or not Jesus would be happy with Christians who pulled that shit.

For one more thing, it's self-destructive. If one side decides it is the party of no hypocrisy, that side will lose. Because you will have serial gropers, texters of dick pics, people who made bad jokes ten years ago and folks who are bad at keeping up with their taxes in any group of people. But if one side is willing to burn those fuckers to the ground internally and the other side is willing to tolerate that bullshit so long as their objectives are still being met, guess which side is at an advantage?

I'm not voting in favor of hypocrisy. I just want people to stop pretending that it's the most important issue of the day.

Apple Talk / Re: On Language
« on: December 05, 2018, 12:03:34 am »
Yes, yes, yes. This is something I have been grappling with in my therapy. I had no ifea I had so many feelings which were almost impossible to articulate, and initially it was very frustrating. I did eventually find that just waiting was often all it took for the words to come.

A willingness to use the wrong words, or to use entirely too many words, is really important for that shit. A lot of my work in the last couple years has been on nailing my dissociative shit to the wall, which is a huge challenge because there isn't a lot of good vocab in common usage for it, and even the clinical stuff is a poor fit for most folks' lived experiences. Turns out mentally checking out is as common and as healthy a coping mechanism as being anxious or depressed (that is to say, it has its uses but can get out of hand if you don't keep an eye on it) and has the same kind of severity scale. Only, we have good understanding that there's a difference between "I'm sad today" and "I've been sad for a month" and "I literally cannot get myself out of bed to piss" while when it comes to mental disconnects we assume there's nothing between "perfectly integrated" and "Sybil." But as usual reality is more complicated than that, and most shit that happens in brains doesn't happen in binary. So I've been sitting here, talking with someone who's got a good head on her shoulders and can pull me back if I get close to any dangerous ledges, trying to map out what my brain is doing and whether any good can come from it. And it's been doing me a lot of good, but I keep finding myself stymied by vocabulary problems, and I keep thinking about what my obligation is to other crazy people. I know most people hate Catcher in the Rye, but there was one line in it to the effect of "you have the ability to communicate, you want to save people, the best thing you can do is go down this path and write shit down for the next person."

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