Recent Posts1
Apple Talk / Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
« Last post by Doktor Howl on Yesterday at 06:56:16 pm »Jared from accounting: "Your bottom line is too high."
Me: "And so?"
Jared: "That's bad."
Me: "It's irrelevant."
Jared: "What, no..."
Me: "Sorry your MBA instructors lied to you. When taken at the end of the fiscal year, the bottom line means nothing. Nothing at all. All that matters is margin. How is our margin?"
Jared: "Pretty good, really, but..."
Me: "But shut up."
Jared: "..."
Me: "What matters at the end of the year is how much money we have. That is dictated by margin. The difference between the top and bottom lines. If you insist on making category errors by making a single part of the equation the defining metric, you will start losing money. Sooner rather than later."
Jared: "But..."
Me: "Do I have to explain to you the difference - and the results thereof - between 'money' and 'no money'? You can save yourself right out of business, if you're diligent and work hard enough."
Jared: "You can't just keep spending money."
Me: "I can. I will. When my margin drops, then you can bitch. I might even listen. Until then, I consider you to be a failure at basic algebra. You have x revenue minus y expenses to get z profit. You are looking at the equation as if x were a constant, so you are trying to reduce y, when y is what allows you IN THE REAL WORLD to increase x more than you increased y. This is in fact the ENTIRE BASIS OF HOW A COMPANY WORKS."
Jared: "..."
Me: "They didn't teach you that in MBA school?"
Jared: "I don't have to take this shit from a jumped up grease monkey."
Me: "The evidence suggests you do, and more than that, that you SHOULD. But I think I get it. Some dumbass up front - and I know which one - gave you a KPI based on the bottom line, right?"
Jared: *mumble*
Me: "I am ancient and vile and deaf as a post. What was that."
Jared: "Yes."
Me: "I can fix that for you. By which I mean, I can go carve a chunk out of his ass...Which is no more than he deserves for aiming some zygote MBA dweeb after me."
Walter: *struggles to avoid laughter*
Me: *glares at Walter*
Jared: "What's with him?"
Me: "Oh, a week back he said Voyager was perfectly good Star Trek, so I took his speaking privileges away for a month so that he can meditate on his error."
Jared: "What the fuck is wrong with you?"
Me: "Nothing is wrong with me, except that I have a bean counter in my lab. Now fuck off, if I catch you back here again, I'll turn you over to Emmy."
Jared: "..."
Me: "This is all normal, Jared."
Me: "And so?"
Jared: "That's bad."
Me: "It's irrelevant."
Jared: "What, no..."
Me: "Sorry your MBA instructors lied to you. When taken at the end of the fiscal year, the bottom line means nothing. Nothing at all. All that matters is margin. How is our margin?"
Jared: "Pretty good, really, but..."
Me: "But shut up."
Jared: "..."
Me: "What matters at the end of the year is how much money we have. That is dictated by margin. The difference between the top and bottom lines. If you insist on making category errors by making a single part of the equation the defining metric, you will start losing money. Sooner rather than later."
Jared: "But..."
Me: "Do I have to explain to you the difference - and the results thereof - between 'money' and 'no money'? You can save yourself right out of business, if you're diligent and work hard enough."
Jared: "You can't just keep spending money."
Me: "I can. I will. When my margin drops, then you can bitch. I might even listen. Until then, I consider you to be a failure at basic algebra. You have x revenue minus y expenses to get z profit. You are looking at the equation as if x were a constant, so you are trying to reduce y, when y is what allows you IN THE REAL WORLD to increase x more than you increased y. This is in fact the ENTIRE BASIS OF HOW A COMPANY WORKS."
Jared: "..."
Me: "They didn't teach you that in MBA school?"
Jared: "I don't have to take this shit from a jumped up grease monkey."
Me: "The evidence suggests you do, and more than that, that you SHOULD. But I think I get it. Some dumbass up front - and I know which one - gave you a KPI based on the bottom line, right?"
Jared: *mumble*
Me: "I am ancient and vile and deaf as a post. What was that."
Jared: "Yes."
Me: "I can fix that for you. By which I mean, I can go carve a chunk out of his ass...Which is no more than he deserves for aiming some zygote MBA dweeb after me."
Walter: *struggles to avoid laughter*
Me: *glares at Walter*
Jared: "What's with him?"
Me: "Oh, a week back he said Voyager was perfectly good Star Trek, so I took his speaking privileges away for a month so that he can meditate on his error."
Jared: "What the fuck is wrong with you?"
Me: "Nothing is wrong with me, except that I have a bean counter in my lab. Now fuck off, if I catch you back here again, I'll turn you over to Emmy."
Jared: "..."
Me: "This is all normal, Jared."
