Atheists Owned

[The Good Reverend Roger]

Roger, I like how in 1 Samuel 15, Saul's army kills all of the Amalekites except for one man (their king, Agag), who Samuel kills two weeks later.  Then by the time David is king, in 1 Samuel 30, the Amalekites are back in numbers large enough to field an army and mount an invasion.

Garbo, click on Mangrove's Brick Testament link, and click through the story.

Apparently, Agag was a sex machine.

[Phox]

I remembered that Rahab the prostitute and her family were spared because she spied for the Israelites, but totally forgot about the part where God made her immortal.

What? Where? I went and read up on her and didn't see a single thing about that.

It's not explicit, but as the sack of Jericho allegedly happened around 2500 BCE, if I recall the history correctly, and the composition of the book is alleged to be around 7th or 6th century BCE, living nearly two thousand years kind of implies immortality.  

Note: I can't seem to find my sources for either of those dates, so take them for what they are worth.

[Precious Moments Zalgo]

I remembered that Rahab the prostitute and her family were spared because she spied for the Israelites, but totally forgot about the part where God made her immortal.

What? Where? I went and read up on her and didn't see a single thing about that.

It's not explicit, but as the sack of Jericho allegedly happened around 2500 BCE, if I recall the history correctly, and the composition of the book is alleged to be around 7th or 6th century BCE, living nearly two thousand years kind of implies immortality.  

You mean my Sunday school teachers were WRONG when they told me it was an eye-witness account? 

Or maybe it was an eye witness account, and Rahab wrote it.

Note: I can't seem to find my sources for either of those dates, so take them for what they are worth.

There is a good Bible calendar here.  It doesn't give dates for all of the events in Joshua, but it says that Joshua's army first crossed the river Jordan heading towards Jericho on April 3, 1405 BC.

[Phox]

I remembered that Rahab the prostitute and her family were spared because she spied for the Israelites, but totally forgot about the part where God made her immortal.

What? Where? I went and read up on her and didn't see a single thing about that.

It's not explicit, but as the sack of Jericho allegedly happened around 2500 BCE, if I recall the history correctly, and the composition of the book is alleged to be around 7th or 6th century BCE, living nearly two thousand years kind of implies immortality.  

You mean my Sunday school teachers were WRONG when they told me it was an eye-witness account? 

Or maybe it was an eye witness account, and Rahab wrote it.

Note: I can't seem to find my sources for either of those dates, so take them for what they are worth.

There is a good Bible calendar here.  It doesn't give dates for all of the events in Joshua, but it says that Joshua's army first crossed the river Jordan heading towards Jericho on April 3, 1405 BC.

Yeah, and I bet they told you that every word of it was divinely inspired and completely infallible. Even the parts that contradict the other parts. Especially those parts.

Alright, I'll take your number over mine, though I recall mine coming from an archaeological study I read about famous ancient cities that were destroyed (included Troy, which is why I was reading it), and this is probably on the six-thousand-year model, but since we are arguing it in terms of Biblical immortality, yours is probably better to go by. Even so, 700 or 800 years removed is a pretty long time, yeah? 

[Precious Moments Zalgo]

If your date is based on archaeology then I'm certain that it is much more reliable than the one I linked, which seems to be based on some guy pulling dates out of his ass to try to make his timeline conform to Biblical chronology.  I find his date of April 3, 1405 BC to be incredibly precise.

While I have that site open in another tab, I will use it to answer Roger's questions from earlier ITT.

Also, what year was Jesus resurrected on?  On which calendar? 

Sunday, April 16, 33 AD.  This calendar: http://www.abiblestudy.com/

I mean, if we're being precise.  Or ask them which year the Jews fled to - and from - Egypt.

1701 BC is when Joseph's brothers came to live in Egypt to escape famine.
Moses parted the Red Sea on April 15, 1445 BC.

PMZ,

[Phox]

If your date is based on archaeology then I'm certain that it is much more reliable than the one I linked, which seems to be based on some guy pulling dates out of his ass to try to make his timeline conform to Biblical chronology.  I find his date of April 3, 1405 BC to be incredibly precise.

yeah, that's what I figured. But, yeah, there is actually a good amount of archaeology on Jericho and other Biblical sites. If I remember correctly, there were several cities built on the same spot and the one in which there was a large enough destruction to fit the Biblical account occurred somewhere around 2500 BCE. (A quick look at wiki: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jericho#Archaeology, puts the date at 1550-ish BCE. So I could very well be misremembering.) 

[Kai]

Other than a few here and there in the Samuel and Kings, the genocide stories are pretty much concentrated in those two books.

Oh, and Faust isn't kidding either.  There's dragons, cockatrices, satyrs, flying saucers, and unicorns in there.

Judges is the other big genocide book. Actually, Judges is probably the most abhorrent book in the whole OT. The whole daughter sacrificing and mass kidnapping/rape of women right up there with the genocide cycles.

Check out the book of Samuel. 

Samuel really shows that this is a Cannanite war god we're talking about. The whole part where Saul kills all of this one tribe except the livestock and Yahweh gets angry because he didn't kill the livestock too.

[The Wizard Joseph]

FWIW, TWJ, I appreciated your post.  I have always been a fan of Dr. Dino.  I think he is funny as hell.  I can neither listen to anything he says nor read anything he writes without giggling like a ninny.  I hope he comes back with a vengeance once he gets out of prison.

Plenty of the good laughs to be had here on good old earth!!

Thanks  PMZ.

This thread has been all around awesome to me so far!

[The Wizard Joseph]

I thought he only ever conferred immortality to Enoch.

Eta; Epistle to the Hebrews:  "By faith Enoch was transferred, that he should not see death"

Evangelical commentators consider Enoch to be one of the Two Witnesses in the Book of Revelation due to the fact that he did not die according to Genesis 5:24.

The prophet Elijah and Enoch are both said to have been taken away by God and some expect them to return as the "Two Witnesses" that troll the Antichrist during the tribulation until he kills them.  Most people are sure Elijah is one of them, but some most fundamentalists think that Moses is the other.  They don't really even know who Enoch is..
Eventually they DO get whacked though. That much is clear.

[deadfong]

My favorite one is a common saying of Jehovah's Witnesses that every culture has a story of a flood, which therefore proves the deluge. But most of them actually think the people's ancestors remembered it, forgetting that there was no one alive to tell the story. If you point that out to them, they'll usually just realize that Noah told them about it.

Not every culture - the Egyptians didn't have a flood story.  Instead, they have what I think is a drought story.

Ra got paranoid one day and thought humans were going to gang up and depose him, so he sent his eye (in the form of Hathor) down to earth to slay a bunch of them, which it/she did.  However, Ra didn't want all humanity destroyed, but Hathor was full of bloodlust and wanted to kill all of them anyway.

So Ra ordered his high priest to collect hundreds of jars of beer, dye them red, and pour them out in a field where he knew Hathor would be the next day.  Hathor, thinking all that red beer was blood, rushed down and drank it all.  Once she got her buzz on, she mellowed out and went back up to Ra.  Thus humanity was saved from utter destruction.

I figure the eye is a metaphor for the sun burning everything up.  Makes sense that the Egyptians would fear a drought more than a flood, since the annual Nile flood was completely predictable and necessary for their crops, unlike the unpredictable and violent flooding in Mesopotamia.

[Faust]

Anyone see any of The Amazing Atheist's videos? He's some disgusting windbag and the textbook case of the militant atheist and all the moronic behaviour that entails.

Here's some videos to get a sample of his magnetic personality:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1KoBwiPzRFg
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l13fqVna5no&feature=related
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-Fc2Y1wxne8&feature=relmfu

We'll the internet found this:

Not safe for work.
http://i.imgur.com/779Aa.jpg
Under no circumstances is this safe for work.

It made me chuckle no end. I guess having micropenis is what drives atheists off the deep end.

[BadBeast]

 

Anyone see any of The Amazing Atheist's videos? He's some disgusting windbag and the textbook case of the militant atheist and all the moronic behaviour that entails.

Here's some videos to get a sample of his magnetic personality:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1KoBwiPzRFg
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l13fqVna5no&feature=related
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-Fc2Y1wxne8&feature=relmfu

We'll the internet found this:

Not safe for work.
http://i.imgur.com/779Aa.jpg
Under no circumstances is this safe for work.

It made me chuckle no end. I guess having micropenis is what drives atheists off the deep end.

Fucking priceless! He's getting trolled on Youtube now as "Bananaman".

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

Anyone see any of The Amazing Atheist's videos? He's some disgusting windbag and the textbook case of the militant atheist and all the moronic behaviour that entails.

Here's some videos to get a sample of his magnetic personality:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1KoBwiPzRFg
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l13fqVna5no&feature=related
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-Fc2Y1wxne8&feature=relmfu

We'll the internet found this:

Not safe for work.
http://i.imgur.com/779Aa.jpg
Under no circumstances is this safe for work.

It made me chuckle no end. I guess having micropenis is what drives atheists off the deep end.

Holy shit, he reminds me of my second ex-husband.

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

Anyone see any of The Amazing Atheist's videos? He's some disgusting windbag and the textbook case of the militant atheist and all the moronic behaviour that entails.

Here's some videos to get a sample of his magnetic personality:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1KoBwiPzRFg
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l13fqVna5no&feature=related
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-Fc2Y1wxne8&feature=relmfu

We'll the internet found this:

Not safe for work.
http://i.imgur.com/779Aa.jpg
Under no circumstances is this safe for work.

It made me chuckle no end. I guess having micropenis is what drives atheists off the deep end.

That link...  oh god.

[Don Coyote]

Anyone see any of The Amazing Atheist's videos? He's some disgusting windbag and the textbook case of the militant atheist and all the moronic behaviour that entails.

Here's some videos to get a sample of his magnetic personality:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1KoBwiPzRFg
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l13fqVna5no&feature=related
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-Fc2Y1wxne8&feature=relmfu

We'll the internet found this:

Not safe for work.
http://i.imgur.com/779Aa.jpg
Under no circumstances is this safe for work.

It made me chuckle no end. I guess having micropenis is what drives atheists off the deep end.

I HATE YOU!!!!!!