All posts by cramulus

BREAKING NEWS: GRITS FUCKING SUCK

FAIL

I know this is gonna get me lynched. But anyway–

BREAKING NEWS:
GRITS FUCKING SUCK.

They’re like this disgusting corn paste crap that Southerners swear by. I don’t know what retarded thing Southerners obsess over more: grits, or the confederate flag. Neither have any place in the union.

I NEED CUPPA COFFEE AND SOME CORN PASTE TO START THE DAY
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AND MAH TRACTOR

SRSLY, would you eat this crap?
It looks like something that dripped out of a tissue. Tastes about the same, too.

I can already hear you: NO, PROFESSOR CRAMULUS. YOU’VE GOTTA EAT GRITS WITH SYRUP OR HOT SAUCE OR SOME SHIT

well really then you’re just saying you like syrup or hot sauce or some shit, and the bland, goopey corn sludge is a vehicle for it. You might as well drink the syrup right out of the bottle and save room in your stomach for foods that aren’t made of slime.

People in the south are FANATIC about grits. Check it out:

“Whereas, throughout its history, the South has relished its grits, making them a symbol of its diet, its customs, its humor, and its hospitality, and whereas, every community in the State of South Carolina used to be the site of a grits mill and every local economy in the State used to be dependent on its product; and whereas, grits has been a part of the life of every South Carolinian of whatever race, background, gender, and income; and whereas, grits could very well play a vital role in the future of not only this State, but also the world.”

That’s from the South Carolina General Assembly 113th Session, 1999-2000, Bill Number: 4806. They love grits so much they can’t stop talking about them, even long enough to pass a bill.

FUCK GRITS

Survival on the Lunatic Fringe

blogs, personal

When I was 17, it filled my mouth with bile to think about the Office World looming over me like the sword of damocles. After watching Fight Club, Office Space, reading too much Cyberpunk, etc etc I thought that being a fucking independant, self-actualized, free-thinking individual might be negated by some sort of white collar slavery, some sort of indentured servitude to the Machine.

But ya know, after bouncing from career to career for a while, I’ve been sitting in this particular little gray cube for over a year now and it really ain’t that bad. Today is April Fool’s day and I’m hanging up prank signs from the MGT. My cube is filled with art by Magritte, Brandon Bird, Perry Bible Fellowship, and my own stuff. It’s the little things.

And you know, over here in the belly of The Machine, people actually DO seem to appreciate free thinkers. How’s that for faith in humanity? I do think people appreciate those rare freaks who are more colorful than their environment, and it IS inspirational.

And that’s the whole gimmick, right? How to sell out without losing anything of value? Without trapping yourself? How to rearrange the local parts of the Machine until it’s the Machine you want to live in?

I don’t think the 17 year old version of me got it yet. I’m 26 now and Yes I may seem like a white collar slave sometimes, but really now – it ain’t so bad. It beats being an actor / waiter, or a screen writer / shoe salesman, or a starving artist with scabby knees. Because when I’m not in the 9 to 5, I’m living a guitar solo. What I do professionally isn’t the focus of my life. Last night I went out and put up a hundred fucking posters, and it recharged me like WOAH I’m fucking awake again.

This  one guy was walking back from his car, and he saw one of the posters my girlfriend and I put up, and he burst out laughing like a mad man. As we walked down the block, we could hear him in the distance, still cackling. Somebody out there saw something weird today, and maybe he’s gonna start looking everywhere for nonsense now. Maybe he’ll even become a part of it.

This activity really recharges my batteries. If I’m ever feeling Low Quality, this is one of those things I try to remember to do. It makes me feel like all this talk we do about surviving on the lunatic fringe isn’t just abstract masturbation – I’m actually out there doing it.

whatever it is.
WOAH I’m fucking awake again!

EggGASM

omgasm, Operation:Mindfuck, Paganism

EGGGASM EggGASM is an annual Golden Apple Seed Mission. It’s simple: the object of the game is to put cool things inside of plastic eggs and hide them for people to find on Easter. This idea originally came from Pinky McFatfat, ASS.

What you put inside the eggs is really up to you. But here are some suggestions:

  • cool pictures
  • One Line Meme Bombs
  • quotes or images from the Principia Discordia
  • quotes from wherever
  • weird facts
  • your own political agenda
  • an absurd political agenda
  • a surreal political agenda
  • money
  • quotes from the Black Iron Prison
  • secrets
  • your phone number
  • bathroom-graffiti style messages
  • fortunes
  • poems
  • whatever you think is cool. Think For Yourself, Shmuck!

Moar information can be found over at the EggGASM Wiki Page, or the EggGASM thread at the Principia Discordia forums.

If you have any moar ideas, belch ’em out over at 23ae.

If you take any pictures, upload them to Flickr and tag them “egggasm“. (with three G’s!)

If you create any .docs, .pdfs, or lists of stuff to put in eggs, post it to del.icio.us with the tag “egggasm“, so it shows up on the OMGASM Mission Feed.

1 in 4 Women has HPV. Usually the second one from the left.

Humour, Science, society

So according to a recent study…

1 in 4 women have the human papilloma virus, or HPV. As a dude, this is very troubling. How can I keep myself protected from this epidemic? If I catch HPV, does that make me a girl? If you’re as terrified as I am, you will be relieved that I have published this extremely brief and failproof guide.

Whenever four women are next to each other, the one with HPV is the second one from the left. This is completely reliable and always accurate. Don’t believe me? Confirm the evidence, below:

OBVIOUSLY.

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Yeah, you can tell she’s been around the viral block.

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Not only does she have HPV, she loves HPV.

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You can tell by the crossed legs. And her position in the line, of course.

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Not even these Elven children are safe. Elves age differnetly than humans, of course. Believe it or not, these are 19-year old co-ed nymphomaniacs.

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Obvious HPV is Obvious.

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Did you know you can get STDs from the 1980s?

If you said yes, you’re wrong.

But you can get STDs from hair metal so USE PROTECTION.

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Well, that about wraps up this week’s Field Guide to Jesus.  Next time, be more careful and we won’t need to have these talks.

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Good night, and good thrusting.

23 Things to Amuse Yourself While You Wait

bizarre, Discordianism, Eris, Humour, Lulz, Operation:Mindfuck, society

Here is a PDF which can be printed as a tri-fold pamphlet. It contains subversive thought about robots, cabbages, and Discordians.

23 Things to Amuse Yourself While You Wait

(also available in .doc so you can edit it for your own purposes)

This pamphlet is designed to be left in places where people will read it while bored. Leave them on trains, busses, the stops associated with both, waiting rooms, or anywhere where people have a little bit of time and are bored.

If you’re feeling evangelical, you can even hand them to strangers. Personally, I like to carry around some to trade with other people who are handing out propaganda.

Goals for One Line Meme Bombs

counterculture, Dada, debate, Discordianism, forums, Law and Disorder, Operation:Mindfuck, society

I’ve been plastering White Plains NY with memetic masterpieces on and off for almost a year now. A wguke ago, I made The Meme Bomb Collection, Volume Aleph, and it got me thinking about the meme bombs we’ve been generating.

A lot of the meme bombs we’ve come up with are effective in that they are self-contained information packages which in themselves suggest an attitude or position.

My favorite meme bombs are the ones which…

–Give the reader pause. It’s really easy to get lost in the “zombie lurch”, the “9-5 crawl”, the “pedestrian trance”, or whatever you want to call it. I like meme bombs which jar the reader out of that and make them suddenly focus on the present moment rather than where they’re going. Some meme bombs which accomplish this are ones which successfully address the reader. “Hey! You, in the Khakis!” (if you’re actually wearing khakis, it might be startling).

–Suggest something bigger going on. Such as “Congratulations! You’ve just found clue #3! The man in the green jacket will tell you what to do next.” These meme bombs make reality seem a little bit weirder than the pedestrian might expect. Is there some crazy game going on? When and where is it happening?

–Provoke critical thought. Such as “miscarriage is manslaughter“. When taken at face value their meaning seems clear – but they actually suggest something else entirely.

–Add some levity or humor to the reader’s day. I really wish people would stop taking their day-to-day shit so seriously. Sometimes hearing a joke or seeing a funny graphic right in the middle of your walk back from lunch is exactly what you need. The BIP refers to this as rearranging the machine’s local components to (hopefully, eventually) provoke a change in the whole system.

–The Absurd and the Surreal. The Principia calls these Mondos. like “If the telephone rings today, water it!” At first they seem to make sense, but the more you think about them the less sense they make. Personally, I get these phrases stuck in my head all day. “The womb is a prison – FETUS LIBERATION FRONT!”

I like meme bombs which appear friendly or light. Some of the meme bombs developed by the PD Community are hostile and bitter, or preachy and cerebral. Frankly, far left propaganda tastes just as bad to me as far right propaganda, so I dislike political meme bombs. I also dislike the ones which specifically seek to make people feel worse without provoking action. (such as: “Your wife is cheating on you.“)

I also feel that graphics and icons are essential to getting the reader’s attention. An attractive visual packaging makes the memebomb more likely to be remembered.

An ideal memebomb is something which the reader will repeat to others. Little kernels of wisdom are good for this, but I feel that most of them are a bit too dense or “heavy” to pierce the pedestrian trance.

a discussion from PD about memes and graffiti follows…

Continue reading Goals for One Line Meme Bombs →

Ten Tons of Feathers

Articles by others

 by Sepia - originally posted at the Principia Forums

We stick to the deals they made for us. We stick to the life and the lies they already birthed us into. They say we’re headed off on the wrong track, they say we’re headed for the wrong mount doom, where all heroes will be dead and gone, the smouldering remains of us is all that’ll be left and a little burnt up crisp of a lump saying “fuck you” every third minute.

I know who you are. You’re one of them fellers that took “nothing is true, everything is permissable” to your chest at too young an age, you grew up too fast, you grew up too cleanly. You knew your hindi texts at 17, you knew everyones political agenda by the age of 18, having stopped by every ideology and or religion on your way, studying them, not knowing what to look for on an intellectual level but there was this gut that told you what you were looking for, you wanted answers, simple and clean on the equations of both life and anti-life so you could get it out of your way, so you could stop lying sleepless watching the ceiling, thinking about nothing when asked as you couldn’t really be arsed to explain it all.

You were there. You thought about the end of the world. The meaning of life. You thought about dangleberries and whether the soul was inside the body or the body inside the soul.
Now you sit, homecozy on that stool, sipping pernod and smoking french cigarettes. They’ll call you smart behind your back, they’ll give you all the respect anyone could ever ask for, they’ll OOH and AAH when you say that “it’s gonna end like any good story. in tears”. You sat down and didn’t get up. Garth fell on his keys but he got up.

This isn’t really you, is it? This is just your ego, how you’d want it to be, seen through the tint of film noirs and your glass of pastis. Yet you still sit there, now musing that you’ll die alone, Mr.Dyer from Reality Bites, check the fuck in. You’d love, wouldn’t you? You’d be fucking jumping through hoops of happiness if you’d been rammed by a car, rammed by love, rammed by hate but mostly rammed by understanding.

Occasionally, you open up. Occasionally, when drunk you’ll confess your love, still lost and will always be so. Drowned in these dreams but you don’t get off, you don’t get up but put more and more of the drugs that has made you into you, creating a superstructure of your own mind, devouring all that can be seen in these eyes for you’ve been blind for so long and one day you will unfortunately wake up and remember.

Remember that nothing matters because there is no truth.

Remember that everything matters because there is no truth.

Remember that none of this shit will ever matter because you’ll always be a boring cunt.

“Remember remember the fifth of..”

Remember it was all a game, play pretend.

Remember to take the last pill, remember to cut the right way.

I’ve heard you scream so many times, a whimpering wail. Limpdicked staring into the existential abyss and instead of diving in you sit on the edge, pouting your lips and posting on myspace.

Remember that every person has a story to tell, remember that not all stories are interesting.

Remember you used to have eyes alight with fire and soul.

Remember yourself so I don’t have to push your ego up when you destroy it yourself, remember your face before you were born so I don’t have to remember it for you as you sit in your couch and drool on ten tabs of acid, remember that I’ll always leave you when you need me the most in a hope captioned in hopelessness for you to learn.

Learn.
Remember.

Discordians in History

children of Eris, Discordianism, Uncategorized

Discordians in the Middle Ages

Discordians flourished between the fifth and fifteenth century. This was a period of great cultural, political, and economic change in Europe – change which Discordians violently shook like a collicy infant.

Discordian Writings

It it not known whether medieval Discordians were literate. They commonly wrote in the incomprehensible Zwack alphabet. Discordians held that most people, even nobles and priests, were too hunchbrained to make any sense of their baffling script. Contemporary cryptologists believe Zwack to be incomprehensible gibberish, but modern Discordians hold that these scholars are merely too hunchbrained to make sense of their baffling script.

The Inquisition

In 1478, the Spanish Inquisition was begun by King Ferdinand of Aragon and Queen Isabella of Castile. Although it was not publicly revealed until after his death, one of Ferdinand’s advisors, Peter Pie the Pious, was a Discordian saint. St. Pie pushed King Ferdinand to seek out converts from Judaism and Islam residing Spain. The inquisition was originally intended as a distraction from St. Pie’s major project, sleeping with Queen Isabella. The inquisition rapidly got out of hand as zealots began burning heretics.

Despite his success with Isabella, St. Pie was saddened by these violent developments. He made a private apology to the Discordians of Spain, but it was lost on them as they were busy being burned to death. Wracked with guilt, he fell on his sword in 1490. His final words were “Fili Prius meretrix,” or “Bros before hos”.

Discordians in Colonial America: The Witch Trials

In 1692, Discordians invented the first game of SINK when the Queche Quidditch Qabal threw Goodwife Tabatha Croft in the Connecticut river. When the local constable demanded an explanation, Rev. Sandwitch of Bologna replied that they were testing to see if she was a witch. The constable thought this was such a good idea, he brought his wife to the river and tested her for witchiness. This meme spread and evolved until all the women in town were soaking wet. Later, they were burned at the stake.

Web 2.0 as an Attractive Method of Social Control

Articles by others, conspiracy, current affairs, Internet - a series of tubes, media culture

Over here at the PrincipiaDiscordia Blog, we’re in the business of raising awareness about encroaching Bureaucracy. One of the most sneaky things about Bureaucracy is the way that it presents itself. It seems like a logical choice in response to all the disorder that’s going on. And it seems FUN to play with the cool new toys that our culture has made for us.

Web 2.0 applications like Facebook, Digg, and Wikipedia  seem like great ideas, don’t they? Sure, they facilitate communication, they make it easy to access information, and they are a “nesting ground” for web communities. But we’ve gotta be careful - control is often achieved through the illusion of freedom. Digg.com, for example, is a sort of web popularity contest. You can “Digg” something on the web, and if others like it, they’ll digg it too. Digg.com then organizes sites by how much they’ve been dugg. But if we pay attnetion to digg as a real measure of “what’s going on” in cyberculture, don’t we run the risk of homogenizing it? We’ve gotta be careful.

Facebook in particular is in the pocket of some rather sinister and shady characters who do NOT have personal freedom and the public’s best interest in mind.

If you’re a member of Facebook, do yourself a favor and check out this scary video: The Truth Behind Facebook 

Let that be a lesson to include a big helping of misinformation in any information you provide about yourself.

Because we can’t stop “them” from collecting public data.
But we CAN pollute the signal-to-noise ratio until it’s no longer a useful place to harvest.

This article talks in depth about the Evils of Facebook. Reposted for your convenience is some notes on its founders…

Continue reading Web 2.0 as an Attractive Method of Social Control →

GASMGASM and the Good Word

Uncategorized

The OMGASM Wiki has been updated to include GASMGASM – the Mission to spread news of OMGASM.

To be accurate, this post is actually a part of GASMGASMGASM - the mission to spread the word of GASMGASM.

Among other materials produced for GASMGASM is our entry on the Good Word…

 OMGASM is what is missing in your life.Participation is heroic in a sense that won’t be fully understood for a hundred years. It’s “fun”. It’s a “good cause”. It will help you get “slack”. It will change how you look at things. It will give you strength. It will give you a handjob.It will do all sorts of tango and wango magic on your life that will make you feel like it’s Spring after a long long Winter and the world is puddlewonderful anew.OMGASM is so much fun your guts will bleed honeyed joy into your stomach and you’ll get all sugar high and you’ll throw up pure bliss on everything. It’s so awesome you’ll just run, screaming, into the street, and get into a taxi naked. OMGASM is so fucking sticker-ridiculous your family will have to have an intervention.

While you are participating in OMGASM, your dead pets will see you, from their clouds, and purr or wag their tails or masturbate or crap on the rug or whatever Happy Thing they did in life. Every time you participate in a GASM, the Goddess Eris gets off while screaming your name. It’s like a spiritual guitar solo.

The world seems to be getting more boring and low-Quality. People are really starting to believe in this Bureaucracy garbage and take it seriously – it’s not just something they put up with from 9 to 5. We’ve gotta get this shit over with and bring the party that is Aftermath, damnit!

It’s hard, too. You could throw the most awesome party in the history of time, and people will still skip it to watch reruns of Friends. You’ve gotta be persistent. Most people won’t be receptive to the message. But there are people out there – people like you, who are waiting to make contact. It’s lonely to be weird in this big weird world, and all this nonsense we do is a beacon to people who are lost and lunatic, free thinking and free falling. So what’s the answer?

In an interview in the late 1960’s, Timothy Leary was asked, “So what do you do after you ‘Turn On’”??? Tim answered, “Find the others…”